http://www.principlesofanatomyandphysiology.com/what-do-you-think-of-my-personal-statement-essay-for-uc-prompt-1/ Discussions on The Human Body Sat, 17 Dec 2011 21:48:12 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.2.1 http://www.principlesofanatomyandphysiology.com/what-do-you-think-of-my-personal-statement-essay-for-uc-prompt-1/comment-page-1/#comment-5724 nunb Fri, 30 Jul 2010 07:30:46 +0000 http://www.principlesofanatomyandphysiology.com/what-do-you-think-of-my-personal-statement-essay-for-uc-prompt-1/#comment-5724 Don't say "finally" when it is the third sentence of your paper. When you say "with a BS..." it sounds like you already have one. Instead, you could say, "After earning my BS..." The second sentence of your second paragraph is very wordy. I would shorten it and say, "While there, I studied physics, chemistry, and biology" I wouldn't focus on HOW you don't like Biology, but WHY you like it since that is your intended major. Also, the question doesn't ask if you like it or not, but about your experience in the field you are interested in and what you have gained from it, so you might want to take that into consideration in your second paragraph. Don't explain what Biology is, but about what it is that you did while in India that relates to Biology. There is no such word as "lernt" I wouldn't say "wide field" In the third paragraph, you are getting ahead of yourself and talking about your goals, but that is not what they are asking for. They want to know what you have learned from your experience. You talk about tutoring, which is fine, but when you talk about tutoring other students in various subjects, you need to be sure your grammar is correct. (and yes, even though mine is not correct here) Try to NOT use contractions. Don't state the same thing over again "I volunteer each week as a tutor for elementary to high school students" ..."I enjoy helping every student with any subject"... "This work helps me gain teaching experience and allows me to teach at different grade levels" (You are not a teacher yet right?) You have quite a few "helps, interest," and "teach" words, and you should put in different adjectives or nouns.... however you are using them. Try to focus on the positive instead of the negative. For example, you have "subject that I disliked,...not yet taken many biology courses," and "haven't gotten the chance to take the courses of my choice" Sorry if that was harsh, and there are more things you could work on in this short paper, but there is some advice for you to take or to toss. Good luck. Don’t say “finally” when it is the third sentence of your paper.
When you say “with a BS…” it sounds like you already have one. Instead, you could say, “After earning my BS…”
The second sentence of your second paragraph is very wordy. I would shorten it and say, “While there, I studied physics, chemistry, and biology”
I wouldn’t focus on HOW you don’t like Biology, but WHY you like it since that is your intended major.
Also, the question doesn’t ask if you like it or not, but about your experience in the field you are interested in and what you have gained from it, so you might want to take that into consideration in your second paragraph. Don’t explain what Biology is, but about what it is that you did while in India that relates to Biology.
There is no such word as “lernt”
I wouldn’t say “wide field”
In the third paragraph, you are getting ahead of yourself and talking about your goals, but that is not what they are asking for. They want to know what you have learned from your experience.
You talk about tutoring, which is fine, but when you talk about tutoring other students in various subjects, you need to be sure your grammar is correct. (and yes, even though mine is not correct here)
Try to NOT use contractions.
Don’t state the same thing over again “I volunteer each week as a tutor for elementary to high school students” …”I enjoy helping every student with any subject”… “This work helps me gain teaching experience and allows me to teach at different grade levels” (You are not a teacher yet right?)
You have quite a few “helps, interest,” and “teach” words, and you should put in different adjectives or nouns…. however you are using them.
Try to focus on the positive instead of the negative. For example, you have “subject that I disliked,…not yet taken many biology courses,” and “haven’t gotten the chance to take the courses of my choice”
Sorry if that was harsh, and there are more things you could work on in this short paper, but there is some advice for you to take or to toss. Good luck.

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