What do you think of my personal statement essay for UC prompt 1?
Filed in Category Skeletal System Books
Q: What is your intended major? Discuss how your interest in the subject developed and describe any experience you have had in the field — such as volunteer work, internships and employment, participation in student organizations and activities — and what you have gained from your involvement.
During my community college years, I have changed my major a few times. However, my interest has always been in the medical field. Finally, I decided to pursue my education in Biology. With a BS in Biology, I hope to reach my goal of becoming a professor.
My interest in the subject developed after visiting India for a few years. While I was there, I studied in the medical field with three main subjects which were physics, chemistry, and biology. Biology was a subject that I disliked but, to my surprise, I looked forward to this interesting class everyday and was excited to learn. I’ve always thought biology careers have to do with organisms and nature. Little did I know that the body systems, like endocrine, nervous, skeletal, and other body systems, are also a part of this subject. Being fascinated by the human body, I realized that biology is my desired major. Taking a biology class has helped me tremendously as I have learnt that it is a very diverse and wide field with many options.
Although I’d like to teach at the university level, I volunteer each week as a tutor for elementary to high school students. MEND is a volunteer organization to help children from low income families succeed in education. I assist the students in their homework or any other educational activity, like playing monopoly or guessing flashcards. Some of these students don’t study biology yet while others study environmental science. However, I enjoy helping every student with any subject. This work helps me gain teaching experience and allows me to teach at different grade levels.
I have not yet taken many biology courses in my current college. With many prerequisites to satisfy, I haven’t gotten the chance to take courses of my choice. However, I study biology books with much interest. I believe getting a bachelor’s degree is a great step towards a rewarding career.
I’m trying to apply to UC Merced.
1 Comment so far
Don’t say “finally” when it is the third sentence of your paper.
When you say “with a BS…” it sounds like you already have one. Instead, you could say, “After earning my BS…”
The second sentence of your second paragraph is very wordy. I would shorten it and say, “While there, I studied physics, chemistry, and biology”
I wouldn’t focus on HOW you don’t like Biology, but WHY you like it since that is your intended major.
Also, the question doesn’t ask if you like it or not, but about your experience in the field you are interested in and what you have gained from it, so you might want to take that into consideration in your second paragraph. Don’t explain what Biology is, but about what it is that you did while in India that relates to Biology.
There is no such word as “lernt”
I wouldn’t say “wide field”
In the third paragraph, you are getting ahead of yourself and talking about your goals, but that is not what they are asking for. They want to know what you have learned from your experience.
You talk about tutoring, which is fine, but when you talk about tutoring other students in various subjects, you need to be sure your grammar is correct. (and yes, even though mine is not correct here)
Try to NOT use contractions.
Don’t state the same thing over again “I volunteer each week as a tutor for elementary to high school students” …”I enjoy helping every student with any subject”… “This work helps me gain teaching experience and allows me to teach at different grade levels” (You are not a teacher yet right?)
You have quite a few “helps, interest,” and “teach” words, and you should put in different adjectives or nouns…. however you are using them.
Try to focus on the positive instead of the negative. For example, you have “subject that I disliked,…not yet taken many biology courses,” and “haven’t gotten the chance to take the courses of my choice”
Sorry if that was harsh, and there are more things you could work on in this short paper, but there is some advice for you to take or to toss. Good luck.