Comments on: Is my essay good enough for UC prompt 1? Please read and criticize.? http://www.principlesofanatomyandphysiology.com/is-my-essay-good-enough-for-uc-prompt-1-please-read-and-criticize/ Discussions on The Human Body Sat, 17 Dec 2011 21:48:12 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.2.1 By: Octavio Colin http://www.principlesofanatomyandphysiology.com/is-my-essay-good-enough-for-uc-prompt-1-please-read-and-criticize/comment-page-1/#comment-5746 Octavio Colin Sat, 31 Jul 2010 22:07:04 +0000 http://www.principlesofanatomyandphysiology.com/is-my-essay-good-enough-for-uc-prompt-1-please-read-and-criticize/#comment-5746 The best college finder is http://EducationFindr.com You should try them.It's free , and it is the most trusted online site for finding education. Really hope it was helpful The best college finder is http://EducationFindr.com

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]]> By: ????? http://www.principlesofanatomyandphysiology.com/is-my-essay-good-enough-for-uc-prompt-1-please-read-and-criticize/comment-page-1/#comment-5745 ????? Sat, 31 Jul 2010 21:53:54 +0000 http://www.principlesofanatomyandphysiology.com/is-my-essay-good-enough-for-uc-prompt-1-please-read-and-criticize/#comment-5745 I don't think you should include the last paragraph. It makes you sound like you are just making excuses. If biology is going to be your major, then you need to take these biology courses. I hate it break it to you but usually these general biology courses has alot to do with living organisms, nature, etc. Overall, your essay sounds like it was written by a 9th grader :/ Some of the ideas just don't connect. You should get a tutor. If your interest has always been in the medical field, then why have you changed your major a few times? You should also specify that you are interested in human biology. Just mentioning biology makes it confusing for the readers. These following statements you mentioned doesn't make any sense: 1. Although I’d like to teach at the university level, I volunteer each week as a tutor for elementary to high school students. - why did you say although? I think you're trying to say this: "Someday, I'd like to teach at the university level. Currently, I volunteer each week as a tutor for elementary to high school students hoping to gain some experience...(or something like that) 2. Some of these students don’t study biology yet while others study environmental science. - this whole statement has nothing to do at all with this paragraph, or your topic sentence for this paragraph. it's rather confusing that you even mentioned it. Overall, this whole essay needs alot of work! The whole point of these essays is for the UC's to see how well you can analyze/describe details. At the moment, you are way below the scale, at least in mine. EDIT: Here is the link as far as instructions for the essay. http://www.universityofcalifornia.edu/admissions/undergrad_adm/apply/how_apply/personal_statement.html I don’t think you should include the last paragraph. It makes you sound like you are just making excuses. If biology is going to be your major, then you need to take these biology courses. I hate it break it to you but usually these general biology courses has alot to do with living organisms, nature, etc.

Overall, your essay sounds like it was written by a 9th grader :/
Some of the ideas just don’t connect. You should get a tutor. If your interest has always been in the medical field, then why have you changed your major a few times? You should also specify that you are interested in human biology. Just mentioning biology makes it confusing for the readers. These following statements you mentioned doesn’t make any sense:

1. Although I’d like to teach at the university level, I volunteer each week as a tutor for elementary to high school students.
– why did you say although? I think you’re trying to say this: “Someday, I’d like to teach at the university level. Currently, I volunteer each week as a tutor for elementary to high school students hoping to gain some experience…(or something like that)

2. Some of these students don’t study biology yet while others study environmental science.
– this whole statement has nothing to do at all with this paragraph, or your topic sentence for this paragraph. it’s rather confusing that you even mentioned it.

Overall, this whole essay needs alot of work! The whole point of these essays is for the UC’s to see how well you can analyze/describe details. At the moment, you are way below the scale, at least in mine.

EDIT: Here is the link as far as instructions for the essay.

http://www.universityofcalifornia.edu/admissions/undergrad_adm/apply/how_apply/personal_statement.html

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