Is my essay good enough for UC prompt 1? Please read and criticize.?
Filed in Category Skeletal System Books
During my community college years, I have changed my major a few times. However, my interest has always been in the medical field. Finally, I decided to pursue my education in Biology. With a BS in Biology, I hope to reach my goal of becoming a professor.
My interest in the subject developed after visiting India for a few years. While I was there, I studied in the medical field with three main subjects which were physics, chemistry, and biology. Biology was a subject that I disliked but, to my surprise, I looked forward to this interesting class everyday and was excited to learn. I’ve always thought biology careers have to do with organisms and nature. Little did I know that the body systems, like endocrine, nervous, skeletal, and other body systems, are also a part of this subject. Being fascinated by the human body, I realized that biology is my desired major. Taking a biology class has helped me tremendously as I have learnt that it is a very diverse and wide field with many options.
Although I’d like to teach at the university level, I volunteer each week as a tutor for elementary to high school students. MEND is a volunteer organization to help children from low income families succeed in education. I assist the students in their homework or any other educational activity, like playing monopoly or guessing flashcards. Some of these students don’t study biology yet while others study environmental science. However, I enjoy helping every student with any subject. This work helps me gain teaching experience and allows me to teach at different grade levels.
I have not yet taken many biology courses in my current college. With many prerequisites to satisfy, I haven’t gotten the chance to take courses of my choice. However, I study biology books with much interest. I believe getting a bachelor’s degree is a great step towards a rewarding career.
2 Comments so far
I don’t think you should include the last paragraph. It makes you sound like you are just making excuses. If biology is going to be your major, then you need to take these biology courses. I hate it break it to you but usually these general biology courses has alot to do with living organisms, nature, etc.
Overall, your essay sounds like it was written by a 9th grader :/
Some of the ideas just don’t connect. You should get a tutor. If your interest has always been in the medical field, then why have you changed your major a few times? You should also specify that you are interested in human biology. Just mentioning biology makes it confusing for the readers. These following statements you mentioned doesn’t make any sense:
1. Although I’d like to teach at the university level, I volunteer each week as a tutor for elementary to high school students.
– why did you say although? I think you’re trying to say this: “Someday, I’d like to teach at the university level. Currently, I volunteer each week as a tutor for elementary to high school students hoping to gain some experience…(or something like that)
2. Some of these students don’t study biology yet while others study environmental science.
– this whole statement has nothing to do at all with this paragraph, or your topic sentence for this paragraph. it’s rather confusing that you even mentioned it.
Overall, this whole essay needs alot of work! The whole point of these essays is for the UC’s to see how well you can analyze/describe details. At the moment, you are way below the scale, at least in mine.
EDIT: Here is the link as far as instructions for the essay.
http://www.universityofcalifornia.edu/admissions/undergrad_adm/apply/how_apply/personal_statement.html
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Really hope it was helpful