Alright this time I don’t want any ADD kids telling me my question is too long. Practically all of this is important to understanding the situation I was in.
I had a group project in English on the philosophy of structuralism. Now the problem is I have to do a peer evaluation of each one of my group members and a self evaluation but I don’t want to look like I have an agenda in writing these. Let me explain. Well ever since we began this project I felt out of the loop and not informed as to what direction my fellow group members were taking the project in. When I asked my group members what they were doing, I was frequently ignored (maybe I wasn’t loud enough) but this one girl who had assumed a leadership role occasionally told me what I could do and what they were doing. I did these things but they were fairly menial tasks. In addition we had to relate the ideas of structuralism to the movie Barton Fink which is where I really became out of control. I comprised a large analysis of the movie without consulting my group members simply as an act of self preservation so I could contribute and get a mark. The reason I never let them read it is because I wasn’t sure they would approve. Besides they didn’t seem to know how they were going to relate the subject matter to the movie and that was a green light in my opinion. I had read most of the passages in Roland Barthes books Mythologies and had done plenty of research on the matter, I even watched a movie on Murphy McLuhan simply by chance, and I really didn’t want it all to amount to nothing. Now I’m not going to waste your time with exactly what I wrote but I’ll just explain the gong show presentation that took place. Firstly, you should know about the top ten list, which I thought was stupid from the beginning. It was a list of top ten ideas about structuralism and I had been assigned 1. Structuralism looks at things in the context of a whole rather than in isolation. (I didn’t write it.) and 5. Structure determines the placement of each element in a system. I was told to elaborate on these. I didn’t really know what to say about 5. When I thought about it all I could think was “Sure, why not.” So I asked how I could talk about 5. without stealing my other group members’ thunder and touching on their topics, which was a conversation that went nowhere fast. So I moved on to 1., which you have to admit is a very introductory point. I tried to put much of what I learnt into the discussion of this point including mentioning Mcluhan who my fellow group members hadn’t even heard of.
Anyway come presentation time I’m feeling nervous so I’m just trying to rehearse my work in my head, I’m not actually listening to my fellow group members present. So we go through the top ten list and read the points off but apparently I’m supposed to know that I and this 1 other girl are supposed to be reading them and my group just stares at me almost sardonically, well this one girl did anyway. Then they start elaborating on points 7 and 4 and 6,2,3,9……. by the time it’s all over, I have nothing new to bring up with my measly little point 1. and I’m not up there to be a pedant and demonstrate what I know, I’m there to cover point 1. I guess they didn’t think, when going through a numbered list, it would be a good idea to start at 1. for whatever reason. Anyway I simply say “This is very introductory stuff, it’s been talked about already.” Now I wasn’t sure about that, as I said I couldn’t focus on what my group was saying but as I had written it, it was an introduction to the topic and I certainly wasn’t going to ad lib something because my mind was preoccupied with reciting what I had written and whether or not I would do my huge movie analysis and how I would assert myself to get air time to deliver it. Well I did do my movie analysis. And when I say “I” I mean “I”. I announced how “I” had done this and that and how the book Mythologies had inspired “me” to look for the hidden significance of things in the movie. I even touched on Foucaults idea of power (specifically the idea how those with power determine what will be considered knowledge in culture through discourse.) and incorporated that in to the project. Well ever since then, one could catch me walking down the street either muttering or yelling “I didn’t understand the group dynamic damn it!”. I didn’t actually say “I” to look important but because my group members had never heard this before or even knew I’d written it I figured saying “we” was the equivalent of sticking words in their mouths; besides I have aspergers and I have to reinvent all this stuff that is second nature to most people. I even skipped a class of english on wednesday because I knew how badly I screwed up when the last group presented a painting as having been done by all members in their group, which was clearly a lie.
Anyway I want to explain that I felt out of the loop. That I did my best to participate and that I didn’t mean to com
*Anyway I want to explain that I felt out of the loop. That tried to participate and that I didn’t mean to sound pedantic.