I feel so depressed. I’m not actually diagnosed, I haven’t checked or anything, because depression can’t really be detected through science. No one can really know whats going on in your brain, right?
Anyway, I feel like dying.
Well, my childhood was really jacked up. Before I could remember, my dad abused my step-brother, Tanner, and my brother, Denis. Tanner was always scared of water because my father rushed him in a pool too early and he was always so worked. I always thought it was because my dad was treated like crap when he was younger by his parents with his three siblings. When I could remember, I was never hurt a single moment. I remember very faintly my dad knocking the phone to the ground then yelling for someone to pick it up. My sister woke up crying to the sight of him dragging my mom by her hair. So, from 4 to 6 I endured fighting, arguing and absolutely terrifying conditions. I was always scarred. Because my parents were so fonded with fighting with each other then, I watched TV. Because it wasn’t supervised, I learned things I shouldn’t have at that age. I knew what sexual intercourse was by age 6. I also remember being seen by a social worker during school, asking what went on in my home. I was so terrified, I spoke everything. Then I felt so bad for doing so, because my dad was questioned often and such. So, my parents got divorced early in my life…
Since then my dad has moved on and found a new wife. I visit him often, hug him and still call him Daddy. He sometimes lies, and he is almost always so pain stricken. I can never act right around him like I do with my mom. He is just so strict…
And my brother takes on after my dad. My mom calls my a ‘prodigy to books’ because I know a lot. Big deal. Well, apparently it is. My brother almost fails all his subjects and such, making me look angelic. He is always upset, and he is always mean with me. He takes my things like it’s no big deal, treats others like family and me like dirt. He pushes me around, when I try to set things right or ignore him he keeps on provoking me or messing it up again. And sometimes he provokes my mom to such a level that she has to shake him straight or scream. One time she called the police on her own son because she couldn’t handle his insanity. And Denis has no illness… just disloyal!
Trista, my sister, always randomly insults me (Like Denis) or scowls at me randomly. She always makes me feel hated, and I never can handle it. When I try to explain my feelings to the both of them, they laugh it off. They usually gang up on me because I am the youngest one in the damned house and they have that power over me. And when it gets physical, such as punching or kneeing me playfully, it goes to a really powerful force for me and I always end up grunting in pain.
Also, I have a weak immune system. So I get sick more then your average person, and when I try to explain that I cannot walk around and function properly without the feeling of someone repeatedly hitting me with a baseball hat in the temple, they call me a liar. I never faked, but because I am ill a lot it gets harder for me to breathe. So when they build up that pressure on me, I sometimes have asthmatic scares, because I have “Allergy Asthma”. Sometimes I burst and shout and yell and curse loudly, crying, screaming, then I am punished when they are not, because my mom saw me do that thing but not them do what they did.
Oh, and while this has been happening, my friends have been backstabbing me, my past relationships have either cheated on me or left me (as in losing contact over long distance) and me, currently in a relationship, am unsure if I should keep it going on. Why? He has no flaws whatsoever, but I have my eye on someone else. This other guy has a girlfriend, he is one of my best friends, but I heard him call me ugly one time. It always broke my heart to know this, but my heart is always open.
And so, when my true friends ask me what happened, what is wrong, and you know, and I tell them… well, it’s hectic. Before I can finish what I am saying, they tell me off. They say I should man up, grow a pair, and prepare for life. But I can only wish. They say to go read a book or something.
But I am a “Book Prodigy”, so doing so is just what I do anywhere.
I live in a nice house, my mom compliments me often, and I am redoing my room to perfect it the way I like it. But I really can’t be taken seriously. I have Eczema, which is a skin condition I was born with. And I’m made fun of for it.
I always feel so insecure, and so unloved, except by my mom. And she is barely home at all.
So I am desperate enough to turn to total strangers. Any suggestions, anyone? I feel in peril 
I understand depression can be diagnosed, but I feel like no one can see it in me. I never considered committing suicide, because my family holds me here on Earth. I am just asking for any help in the situation.
I see movies about little girls and their dads holding each other dearly. I see my friends do so the same. I see movies about siblings laughing and getting along, as I do with my friends, but these relationships happen nothing with me. I always bottle these feelings up and I feel so confused.
O.K. FORGET the fact I said depression can’t be diagnosed. I’d just like an answer.
Any suggestions? Except for a few people, you’re just telling me depression can be diagnosed. Okay, it can, but what’s a suggestion of what I can do to pass the time…? I said depression couldn’t be diagnosed because I was referring to me, and that no one sees that I feel absolutely depressed. I’m not asking how they would notice, but what could I do, some strategies at the least, to get my mind off my insecurity and something to just give me some self esteem….?